Posts Tagged With: failure
Heart locked in a steel box
Pad locked and hang tightly
Protected from the violence
In a world of love
The lies the torment the abuse
All kept at arms length
Until the beating heart is cold
Still and lifeless in a boned cage
Metal melted away from loneliness
For the world to see the truth
The longing the pain
That all it ever wanted
Was a box for two
And be complete…
You were a friend, a lover,
but oh how it’s changed.
A moment in time twisted.
With you by my side,
I felt I could conquer life,
with you inside me,
nothing else mattered,
with you lying next to me,
I felt contentment.
Promising me the world
and never delievered,
but I didn’t mind.
It was the nights I longed for,
with your breath against my cheek,
your fingers entwined with mine,
our bodies slotted together perfectly.
I longed to tell you how I felt;
that I wanted more than that
too scared to speak
incase you ran…
One day you were here
next day you were gone,
like a piece of art
hanging in a dusty gallery.
You said we’d always be friends
but you never come round anymore.
My life’s bleak and empty
and the tension rises.
The bed feels empty
as I sleep on your side.
You can take your diamonds And bury them.
You can take your silly love songs And choke on them.
You can take everything And burn.
Just leave me be.
We’re so through you and me
Nearly thirty years
Flushed away to the ocean.
Just leave me be.
Moving in the right direction,
Love; lies, all of it.
Walk away, don’t look back,
I was never here,
It all means nothing.
The past is gone,
You’re no longer there.
No growing old,
No loving forever,
No more comfort,
Just me, myself and I.
All the hope – gone.
All the promises – broken.
All the love – fiction.
I won’t shed a tear,
I won’t speak a word,
I won’t linger on you.
So keep it all,
Take everything I have and am,
Walk away, just don’t look back.
- Top 10 Sad Break-Up Songs (popinsomniacs.com)
- POETRY: Let Us Practice With Words (huntprayerpoems.wordpress.com)
- Kyuhyun – “Love Dust” Lyric with Romanization & English (kpoproomservice.wordpress.com)
No where to run,
no where to hide,
surround by people
and every night.
No space to breath
no room to think.
No one to turn to
no one that notices,
the dying little girl
that lives inside.
The wheels of her car spun as Chloe sped out of the car park, heading for the coastal road. The storm raging around her, making it harder to see through her own tears. The reopened gash on her head stung with her own sweat as a reminder of what she had to do.
The waves crashed against the side of the jagged cliffs, spraying their foamy mist onto the car as she slammed on the brakes, the drop below looming inches away in the darkness. Her hand hovered over the parking brake as her foot pushed against the gas, the sound of the engine drowning out the roar of the waves. Shaking, she killed the engine. Then resting her head on the steering wheel, she sighed heavily and sniffed, as she tried to pull her racing thoughts together.
Clambering out of the car she fell to her knees and peered down at the brutal ocean below. She swallowed the lump in her throat and buried her head in her hands, arguing with herself not to do it, not to jump. Her body shook with unfettered emotion. Throwing her arms wide open, she screamed into the ebony sky, her body calming with release as the seconds passed.
The tears eventually slowed and she sniffled again, wiping her nose on her sleeve and rubbing a hand over her eyes. She pushed her damp, blonde hair back from her face as she stood then took a step back from the cliff. “If you wanna disappear Chlo, you gotta do it.” she mumbled to herself with a heavy sigh.
Leaning into the car and pulling the gearshift into neutral she pushed the car toward the sharp edge of the cliff. As it went over, she watched it tumble and crash onto the jagged rocks below before being engulfed by the black, angry waves.
The bass beat swam through Chloe’s bloodstream as the smoky, melodic voice of the man on stage drifted across the room. Her body swayed with the crowd, her green eyes hiding, lost in the world of song. The words drifting through her seemingly lifting her higher into the air.
Her eyes fluttered open as the song ended, the stage lights temporarily blinding her. Turning her back to the stage, she made her way to the bar at the back of the room.
“What I can I get for ya?” the bartender asked as she slumped against the bar.
“Jack straight up.” she slid her money towards the bartender and smiled before downing her drink in two long gulps. The dark, bitter liquid burned its way down into her stomach. As the band started up again she felt a hand on her shoulder. Jumping at the sudden connection, Chloe’s head snapped to glare at the intruder. Her face softened seeing the man before her.
“Christ you look like shit!”
“Why, thank you Jay, I shall always come to you for compliments from now on.” she giggled, and pulled him down into a hug.
“And so you should.” Jason smiled beneath his beard “What you doing here? I thought you were with Nathan tonight?”
“I was. We had an argument and I left.”
“Wanna talk about it?”
“Nah, it’s nothing new, it’ll all be roses again by tomorrow.”
“Hmmm, why don’t I believe you this time?”
“Believe it Sasquatch, everything’s fine. Always has been, always will be.” she said giving him the biggest smile she could force.
“You wanna come sit backstage and keep me company?”
“No thanks, I’m cool out here, I’ll come back when Ry’s finished.”
“All right, your choice, I‘ll just go be bored.” he sighed.
“Stay! Come on, like old times.”
“Best not, I think I’ve already been spotted.” he said nodding in the direction of a group of whispering girls.
“Fine. Go be boring. I’ll catch you later.” She hugged him again, making sure the group of girls saw and kissed him lightly on the lips. Jason laughed and ruffled her hair as he left. She felt tears prickling in her eyes and searched for the nearest exit from the bar.
The night air was warm and fresh as the rain began to die down. Leaning against the wall, Chloe lit her cigarette as the sounds of the rushing traffic and the soulful bass danced around her in the breeze.
She froze at the sound of her cell phone in her pocket, its sharp chirping blaring loudly over the other sounds but she ignored it, not wanting to speak to Nathan. It was only him who could be calling. Dropping her half smoked cigarette on the floor, she pushed her way back into the bar. Her heart was thumping in her ears, her stomached knotted suddenly and painfully as she opened the door to the back of the stage.
“Sorry, no fans allowed.” a stern looking security guard boomed over the music.
“Do I look like an overweight thirty something wannabe teeny bopper?” Chloe snarled.
“I can’t let you in I’m afraid.”
“Where’s Jay? Christ I’ve known Ryan my whole life. And who are you? Why isn’t Marcus on the door?”
“Curtis, it’s fine. Let her in, she’s with me.” Jason chuckled from a door way in the corridor. Curtis stepped aside as Chloe barged past.
“Where the hell did he come from? And where is Marcus?”
“He quit a couple of weeks ago.” he explained handing her a beer as she dropped onto the couch, wrinkling her nose at the sight of the peeling paint and faded band posters on the wall.
“And you’re only just telling me this now?”
“Wow down little lady, someone’s PMSing tonight.”
“I do not have PMS, I’m just pissed at Nate.”
“Chlo, tell me honestly, why are you still with him? All you ever do is fight.”
“Because I love the jackass. Besides if we didn’t fight there’d be no passion.” Chloe smirked as she picked at the label on her beer bottle.
“What happened to your face?”
“Had a fight with wall rack.”
“You seriously need to learn about spatial awareness you’re more accident prone than a toddler.”
“Again with the compliments. Can we talk about something else? Like how‘s things going with -”
“Yo, yo, yo bitches.” Ryan grinned as he threw the door open.
“Ry you ain’t no gangster.”
“Oh and you so are Miss Chloe, with all your bitchin‘ war wounds?”
“Shut up asshole. You‘re a white boy from Hawaii who wears cowboy boots and sings love songs for a living. You couldn’t be any further away from the hood.”
“Come here and give me some love then.” Chloe rolled her eyes as she rose from the couch. She felt her body melt against Ryan’s solid form as he wrapped his arms around her, resting his head on hers. Taking a deep breath she bit back the tears that threatened again, and clung to the back of his shirt. “What’s wrong?” Ryan’s voice was soft and warm as he spoke.
“Nathan and I had another stupid fight and he just hit a few nerves.” she muttered into his chest.
“I think he hit a more than a few.” Ryan said pushing her away from him, Chloe dipped her head, not wanting him to see her upset. “So ya argue with Nate and make out with my man in the middle of my gig, to feel better?” She let out a small laugh and blushed, looking over her shoulder at Jason. “She tell you anythin’ cheater?”
“Nope, just that they had a fight, nothing out of the blue, and baby, you know there’s no one but you.” Jason said absently, burying his head in the latest issue of Vanity Fair.
“Come on, sit, tell Uncle Ryan all about what the jerk’s done now.” Chloe curled into the corner of the couch, wiping away the lines of mascara from her cheeks. She breathed out slowly.
“We got into another dumbass fight, about how we never see each other, how I’m not Donna Reed, the usual.” she drew her knees up and buried her face in her knees. “I ended up throwing a lamp at his head and walked out. He told me never to come back, if I left.”
“Babe, he didn’t mean it. He never does. He’ll be over it by morning.” Ryan smiled and squeezed her hand.
“I know, I just don’t know if I can live like this any longer. Yeah we’ve always argued but lately it’s all the time. And there’s no joking tone in his voice anymore, he constantly sounds frustrated and angry. Why can’t I be the perfect girlfriend? It‘s all my fault.”
“None of this is your fault. Chlo look, you and Nathan have always had the same stupid fights since you were teenagers. You both have faults. Your temper and his general stupidity. Everyone knows you guys are forever. We all have bad times.”
“Even you and Jay?”
“Even me and Jay, sometimes I just wanna shoot him in the head.” Ryan said, biting his lip and pointing his fingers at Jason’s hand. “Bang!”
“You’re just saying that.” Chloe huffed, raising her head.
“Come on Jay man, back me up here. Tell her about the last fight we had.”
“You’re on your own Ry. You know she never listens to me.” Jason said raising his hands.
“That’s not true. I listened to you when it came to my prom dress.” Chloe smiled through watery eyes.
“Oh yeah how could I forget? Once in the last eight years I’ve known you.”
“That prom dress was the worst fashion mistake you ever made.” Ryan laughed “For a gay guy your fashion taste stinks, dude.”
“Oh, because yours is so much better with your floral shirt, flares, and tan boots.”
“Shut up bitch,” Ryan snarled throwing an empty plastic cup at him, “I just had girls jumpin’ over each other to get closer to me.”
“If only they knew they went home with the fashion police over there.” Chloe smirked.
“Leave my homie alone bitch, just ‘cause he dresses like a European tramp don’t mean he needs dissin‘.”
“Ok, that’s it. I’m going for a smoke.” Jason stood up and headed for the door.
“Laters.” Ryan said with a dismissive hand. “So what are you gonna do about Nathan?”
“I can’t go back, not this time. I can’t do it anymore.”
“Do you love the guy?”
“Of course I do, but it’s not the same anymore. Love just doesn’t seem to be enough. I know our relationship has always been volatile but it’s not what I want any more. All the arguing, it‘s just not what I want. He can‘t accept me for me and I can‘t accept him for who he is either, no matter how much I want to. I‘ve tried to change, tried to be what he wants but it‘s just not me. I‘m not housewife material. I want to be looked after not criticized for being independent.”
“You wanna come stay with me and Jay for a bit? Clear your head?”
“No I think I’m gonna head down to Texas, go see Steve and Aimee. I think I need a break. If Nathan gets in touch, you haven’t seen me, ok?”
“Anythin’ you say sweet cheeks.”
“Thank you for everything Ry. I love you, don’t ever forget that.” Chloe mumbled, hugging him tightly.
“Why are you makin’ this sound like I ain’t gonna see you again?”
“I’ll text you when I land in the Lone Star State.” She said brushing off Ryan’s question. Kissing him on the cheek she grabbed her bag and left without another look.
Jacob stared into the mirror of the medicine cabinet, his pale, gaunt reflection looking back. Dead blue eyes, month old stubble, unruly curls of hair.
Letting out a disgruntled groan, he threw open the cabinet door, the small opaque brown sitting before him, freedom.. Snatching it from its hiding place he popped the cap and shut the door.
“Here’s to happily ever after,” he mumbled at his reflection and lifted the bottle before throwing it to his lips. He shook the bottle, waiting for the contents to fall into his mouth. He frowned as he saw through the bottom of the bottle, and threw it against the tiled wall.
“Do you really think I’d be dumb enough to leave them lying around? You’ve been moping around my house for months, you think I hadn’t thought of everything you might try to do?” Jacob glanced at the reflection that had appeared in the mirror.
“Screw you Riley.”
“Is it really what you want? To end it all? To be a coward?” Riley asked leaning against the door frame.
“And why the hell not? It’s gotta be better than living like this.”
“Oh boohoo, Jacob’s hurting so he’s gonna be all emo about it. Why don’t you grow a pair and get over it?”
Jacob grinded his teeth, scowling at his friend.
“Don’t give me that look, you’re not as threatening as you think you are big guy,” he chuckled.
“I’m going to the pub,” Jacob spat and barged past him, his face flushed with anger and upset.
Yeah that’s it, drink yourself into a coma. it’s been three months! Seriously you need to get over it.”
Jacob ignored the comment from his friend as he shrugged on his jacket. When Riley could hold a relationship down past two weeks then maybe he would listen to his advice. He knew he meant well, but life wasn’t that easy. Some things couldn’t just be discarded and forgotten.
The smoke continued to billow as Josie cursed on the hard shoulder of the motorway.
“Damn you Sapphire!” Josie had been surprised her car had made it this far with out blowing a cylinder or a head gasket but with only two hours until her best friends wedding this was the last thing she needed. If she ran would she make it. Hitchhiking passed through her mind too. Anything, she has to be at Saint Augustine’s Church by 2pm or there would be no point in living.
“I’ll be there I promise, you know I’d never let you down Sandy.” Josie had sworn into the phone only days before, after work had sent her on an emergency trip to Dubai.
“Just like you were there for me at my Gran’s funeral and the birth of my child, your Godchild.” Sandy had scoffed down the receiver.
“I fly back in on Friday night, I’ll drive straight down and I’ll be there in time to make sure everything is in perfect order, I promise!”
“This is your last chance Josephine Straver and I mean it.”
Climbing out of her beaten up old Corsa through the passenger door Josie continued to curse and grumble. Dialing the AA she stood watching the traffic go sailing past. “Sandy’s gonna kill me! She will never forgive me if I miss her wedding, Shit, shit, shit, shit, shi-”
“You’re through to Julie at AA breakdown services can I take your policy number please?”
CRAP! “Um… hold on.”
Thunder clapped as Josie hid beneath the branch of a elm tree on the embankment. Three hours after her beloved Sapphire had died a smoky death, she still waited for her knight in shining yellow to come and rescue her. Josie had been convinced that the more she rang the further down the queue she went. Desperate times and all that. Sandy had ignored the hundred voicemails she had left and Josie knew it would be a long time before her oldest friend would even look at her again, let alone talk to her.
Your name lingers on my lips
Like an untold tale
Threatening to be exposed
Filling my eyes with salty tears
A lump forming in my throat
Needing to express how I truly feel
Consequences lingering in the dark
Just out of eye shot
Feelings of love
Feelings of pain
Not willing to share the reality
Too scared to speak to words
For fear of hurting others
Wanting nothing more than
To hold you close
Feeling skin against skin
Feeling heart against heart
Knowing you’d give it all
If I only said the word
Maybe its all in my head
Maybe its all the past
Fighting the ever growing pain
Pain that pulsates through my veins
Driving me on to believe
Believe that one day we’ll be
Together is where we belong
All I need is the courage to speak…