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You Big Dork

Lewis lay on his back, staring at the ceiling, his hand lightly running along the length of Emily’s spine as she slept, her loose  blonde curls cascading across his broad chest. The morning was no different to any other, Lewis had woken early, his mind going over case studies for his marketing exam, slowly fading to ones of his personal future. He glanced down and brushed a few stray strands of hair from Emily’s pale face and placed a chaste kiss on her head. Smiling to himself, Lewis’s chest filled with warmth and satisfaction, over the last few months he had learned to love Emily in every way imaginable and there was only one thing left to do in his mind. He lay silently, ideas running through his head faster than he could make sense of them, his fingers slowly lacing through Emily’s hair as he watched her peaceful state.

Their flight left for his mothers in a few hours, and the idea of spending the evening with his rude and inconsiderate brother turned his stomach. Lewis was glad to have flown the nest and cut his brother out to the best of his ability, even though it meant not spending time with his father before he died, it was still the right decision for him. James’s behaviour had always been on the thin line of the law and Lewis wasn’t prepared to take the risk of being dragged into it anymore.

Lewis was unsure how much time had passed before Emily finally awoke, the corners of his lips twitched into a smile as her dark eyes fluttered open. She returned the smile sleepily, leaning up she placed a lingering kiss on his lips before settling back down against his chest, a finger circling the faded scar on his chest. “Can I ask you something?” Lewis muttered softly, Emily knitted her brow questioningly “I don’t want you to say anything until I’ve finished.” she nodded, confusion playing behind her eyes. “Over the last few months I really have fallen in love with you. Don’t get me wrong I’ve always loved you but I really fallen. I love the way you look first thing in a morning, the way you pout when I won’t turn over to your soaps when I’m watching a game, the way you always know what I want, the way you get stressed over small things like washing powder, the way you chew your bottom lip when you’re thinking, the way you tap your nails against your teeth when you’re nervous.” Lewis sighed, “The way, the way you push me into relaxing when I deny needing it. Everything about you intrigues me and makes me fall for you even more. I know we have problems, but what couple doesn’t? I know no matter what life throws at us we can make it through. I want to feel you sleeping next to me every night and wake up with you every day for the rest of my life. I want you there when I’m old and grey and have no control over my bowels.” he smirked as Emily wrinkled her nose, “I want to be with you completely. Emily, marry me?”

Emily giggled into her hand as she knelt up and stared down into Lewis’s eyes.

“You have clearly been watching far too many chick flicks, but yes I’ll marry you, you big dork.”

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In Your Eyes


Jacob stared into the mirror of the medicine cabinet, his pale, gaunt reflection looking back. Dead blue eyes, month old stubble, unruly curls of hair.

Letting out a disgruntled groan, he threw open the cabinet door, the small opaque brown sitting before him, freedom.. Snatching it from its hiding place he popped the cap and shut the door.

“Here’s to happily ever after,” he mumbled at his reflection and lifted the bottle before throwing it to his lips. He shook the bottle, waiting for the contents to fall into his mouth. He frowned as he saw through the bottom of the bottle, and threw it against the tiled wall.

“Do you really think I’d be dumb enough to leave them lying around? You’ve been moping around my house for months, you think I hadn’t thought of everything you might try to do?” Jacob glanced at the reflection that had appeared in the mirror.

“Screw you Riley.”

“Is it really what you want? To end it all? To be a coward?” Riley asked leaning against the door frame.

“And why the hell not? It’s gotta be better than living like this.”

“Oh boohoo, Jacob’s hurting so he’s gonna be all emo about it. Why don’t you grow a pair and get over it?”

Jacob grinded his teeth, scowling at his friend.

“Don’t give me that look, you’re not as threatening as you think you are big guy,” he chuckled.

“I’m going to the pub,” Jacob spat and barged past him, his face flushed with anger and upset.

Yeah that’s it, drink yourself into a coma. it’s been three months! Seriously you need to get over it.”

Jacob ignored the comment from his friend as he shrugged on his jacket. When Riley could hold a relationship down past two weeks then maybe he would listen to his advice. He knew he meant well, but life wasn’t that easy. Some things couldn’t just be discarded and forgotten.

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I need another hit like the devil needs souls. I feel it burnin’ deep inside me. Screamin’ like a spoilt child. My body shakin’, kist in this new lucid state. My mind goin’ crazy, thoughts whirrin’ round my head, inside my skull, shoutin’ at me to take some more. My legs ache from pacin’ up and down, I feel like I’ve walked a thousand miles in the last day. My eyes are heavy from a lack of sleep catchin’ up on me, unable to rest my mind long enough to let the sandman do his job. The first twenty-four hours they said would be the hardest, my arse they are. It’s been forty-two hours and twelve minutes and I feel as though my body is about to explode, I’ve never wanted it so bad. I never thought for a minute that I’d become this addicted to the smooth white powder, but stridin’ up and down on this lino floor I guess I must be. Every muscle in my body is yearnin’ for it.lasers-zap-cocaine-660

It’s not such a big deal is it?

I mean it’s not much different to a workin’ mother needin’ her mornin’ cup of coffee and one every two hours after to keep her goin’ through the day, is it? Nah course it isn’t. So why am I here? Why is my body yellin’ and shakin’ and my head poundin’ for it? Why am I longin’ to have that thin white line in front of me, my finger poised over my nose? Surely a coffee addict feels the same when they don’t get a hit, so why aren’t they in here? Why aren’t they made to sit in a circle and identify themselves, ‘Hello I’m Karen Walker I am a coffeeholic’ and everybody claps.

It’s all bullshit that’s what it is.

No one will ever understand why I did it, why I started it in the first place, why I’m now addicted to it. Yes I spent my teens smokin’ dope and takin’ acid to have a good time but all teens do it don’t they? So what I sniff a little crack now and again. Ok maybe a little more than that but it’s not like I’m injectin’ heroine, I’m not actually killin’ myself any more than smokin’ a fag. That’s what irritates me.

It makes me feel so alive, my brain actually works, and it all makes sense. The voices inside that are now screamin’ to be let out are silent. What is so wrong with puttin’ the voices to rest, to stop myself failin’ and make somethin’ of my self.

Why is my body stll in pain, cold pain that runs through my veins. Why won’t the voices in my head just SHUT UP! I can’t take this anymore. Me doing cocaine is no different from a fat girl on a diet chowin’ down on a full fat double choc chip muffin, it’s a release, it’s enjoyment. The feel of it as it enters my blood stream is  like nothin’ on earth, it’s like warm coffee on a cold day runnin’ through your body.

Shut up. Shut up! SHUT UP!

I slam my fist into the white washed walls, puncturin’ the plaster, I feel a sense of release and laugh. Is this what my life has come down to? Bein’ locked in a room with only a bed and a bog? What happened to comfortable livin’? I’ll tell you what rehab is nothin’ like they make it out to be on TV. Although I was told I would be moved after the incubation period. What a pile of fuckin’ crap, incubation period? What’s that suppose to even mean? Lock you in a white room with nothin’? Is that what they do to drive you insane? ‘Cause I sure feel like I’m goin’ insane. My mind is restless I feel like I’m on a never-ending rollercoaster at a hundred miles an hour.

I want out. Out of this skin. Out of this life. I want out of it all.

But it’s all her fault. She drove me to it, whinin’ at me, drivin’ me to do better, to make the best of my life. What the fuck does she know?

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I’ll Never Be Perfect

The smoke continued to billow as Josie cursed on the hard shoulder of the motorway.

“Damn you Sapphire!” Josie had been surprised her car had made it this far with out blowing a cylinder or a head gasket but with only two hours until her best friends wedding this was the last thing she needed. If she ran would she make it. Hitchhiking passed through her mind too. Anything, she has to be at Saint Augustine’s Church by 2pm or there would be no point in living.

“I’ll be there I promise, you know I’d never let you down Sandy.” Josie had sworn into the phone only days before, after work had sent her on an emergency trip to Dubai.

“Just like you were there for me at my Gran’s funeral and the birth of my child, your Godchild.” Sandy had scoffed down the receiver.

“I fly back in on Friday night, I’ll drive straight down and I’ll be there in time to make sure everything is in perfect order, I promise!”

“This is your last chance Josephine Straver and I mean it.”

Climbing out of her beaten up old Corsa through the passenger door Josie continued to curse and grumble. Dialing the AA she stood watching the traffic go sailing past. “Sandy’s gonna kill me! She will never forgive me if I miss her wedding, Shit, shit, shit, shit, shi-”

“You’re through to Julie at AA breakdown services can I take your policy number please?”

CRAP! “Um… hold on.”

Thunder clapped as Josie hid beneath the branch of a elm tree on the embankment. Three hours after her beloved Sapphire had died a smoky death, she still waited for her knight in shining yellow to come and rescue her. Josie had been convinced that the more she rang the further down the queue she went. Desperate times and all that. Sandy had ignored the hundred voicemails she had left and Josie knew it would be a long time before her oldest friend would even look at her again, let alone talk to her.

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